(adapted from a talk to the Cottage community on 6/30/20)

Among the parenting issues that are most often recurring and difficult to solve are problems and disagreements among co-parents. “Co-parent” applies to whoever is helping you raise your kids. That can be a spouse, but it can equally be a child’s parent who is not your spouse, a grandparent, or whoever you need to communicate with about the raising of your child. Teachers are in a different category, because we are coming in with a different set of perspectives, including getting to see the development of lots of different children for comparison, and importantly, never having to say up all night with the child, and not having to worry that we ruined them somehow. (Please note: kids can’t be ruined. Whatever you think you did, it’s gonna be okay).

I hesitated and stalled for a long time after I was asked to speak on this subject. I want you to know that I am not a perfect co-parent. I argue with my children’ dad about how parenting should be done on a regular basis.  I come to all the classes and read all the books, and I’m pretty darn good at understanding child development, and because of that, I have a tendency to be really sure that I am right about everything. You can imagine, that’s not a productive attitude for me to have. In fact, it’s insulting, and patently untrue. Guess what? My kids’ dad is a great dad. They love him. They feel loved by him. They don’t die when I go out of town for the weekend (although one time recently my son did throw up from eating so much junk food in a single day). I know that my kids know that their dad is there for them, will keep them safe, will help them, and hug them, and be there for whatever they need (as long as it is not super early in the morning); That’s the important stuff. So let’s start by sorting out the important stuff from the jumble of other worries and irritants that we might have about co-parenting. 

When I want to gain clarity on something I am trying to do well, I find it helpful to take a few moments to set intentions for how I want things to turn out. So, in this case, I may ask myself, How do I want our parenting to turn out? Who do we want to be in that? What do I want to provide? What do I want to receive? I often do this thinking in the shower, or while driving, because those are moments when no one is asking me for a snack. When I do it in writing, I make a mind map.  ( That’s the image accompanying this post).

So, I want our children to know that we both love them, no matter what. I want them to come visit us when we are old, and they have a choice about how much time we spend together. I want them to feel safe talking with us about what is important to them. I want that voice inside their heads, the one that is made up of the words we said about them and to them, to be affirming of who they are. I want our kids to know themselves as trustworthy, as competent, and lovable. There are so many adults walking around who don’t think of ourselves that way. Let our kids know, without a doubt, that they are. And the way we teach these values, the way we try to make sure that our kids have this, is that we model this. We model unconditional love. We model affirmation. We trust our kids, and show them that we know they are competent. And. We trust our co-parents, and we show that we know that they are trustworthy, competent, and loving. If we actually don’t believe that, this is a different conversation, and let’s first make sure our kids are safe with their adults. 

When we are communicating with our co-parents, we can use the same guidance we do when we are talking with kids at Cottage:

-We always start with a foundation of mutual respect (in contrast to coming into an interaction full of stories in our heads that downplay our co-parent’s personhood, or their competence, etc)

-We stick to observational language, drop judgement and labels (Say things like, “I heard a lot of yelling. What’s going on?”, instead of, “What did you do?”. Assume a position of curiosity.)

-Ask, “what’s your plan?”, instead of assuming (THE CLASSIC! It works in so many scenarios).

-Hear the need that is being communicated, through the method of communication (So, for kids, that often looks like crying and flailing, to communicate that they are too tired and hungry. For adults, that can look like distraction and yelling about not touching freshly delivered mail, to communicate that we are feeling fearful about how many people in our county have tested positive this week).

-Use active listening, and reflect communication, both verbal and nonverbal. ( Try something like, “I hear you saying that you’re fine, but it seems like you got pretty upset about Sally touching the mail. I wonder if you are feeling especially worried right now”)

-trust that people do well when we can. People who are tired/hungry/scared/angry can’t think clearly. We can provide our prefrontal cortex when we can stay calm.

-Grace and compassion for mistakes. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes, even you.

Here are my top three most often repeated co-parenting challenges, with cute nicknames, so that when this record starts playing, we can think to ourselves, “oh, I recognize this tune, it’s _____. I remember what’s really going on here and what I can do”. 

1) “Get your past out of your kids’ future”: Here’s how that looks at my house. My kid is refusing to do things in a conventional way, or my child is not interested in joining a team sport that one of his parents loved as a kid and feels strongly about having shaped their character. My co-parent feels very sure that the thing the child does not want to do will hold them back and make the child’s future turn out like the parent’s life did in some negative way, even though it’s a different time, place, and person involved. I want us to stop worrying that our child will go through what we went through. 

Focusing thought: my child is their own person, and they have a new chance. 

2) “Feelings Hurricane” This is when both the child and parents are feeling a lot of big feelings, and it becomes difficult to separate out and distinguish your feelings versus your spouse’s feelings versus your child’s feelings. They become a blur. Pre-Covid example: my child is making a scene at Target. My anger, frustration, and embarrassment make it look to me like the child is being irrational (or worse), instead of my being able to see that they are exhausted and hungry.  When we get home, my co-parent looks at me fuming and gets angry at the children for upsetting me. 

New, always at home with my loved ones example, with a new ending: I have been up since 5, trying to do my work and then take care of a house where 4 people are constantly hungry or dirtying more laundry somehow, and I forgot to eat. At the same time, my child needs lots of attention and affection, but I don’t have anything to give, because I can’t think. My co-parent responds by noticing what is happening, using verbal and nonverbal cues, and says, “I’m going to make us some lunch. Why don’t you sit down?” And then I read to the attention-starved kids while my co-parent makes food, and everything gets better.

Focusing question: what is happening for this child (or person)?

3) “Re-parenting ourselves”: Sometimes we were parented in a way that has left us with some hurt, even those of us who have super wonderful parents. We may want to be a different kind of parent than the ones we had. We want to be the parent we wish we had had. When we find ourselves in this spot, we need to give ourselves lots of extra grace, because whenever we lose access to our prefrontal cortex through fear or anger or other dysregulation, we are likely to hear those old ways come out of our mouths. Maybe we slip and say the thing our mom used to say when she got really mad. Maybe we stomp around and slam doors, and it scares our family. We can acknowledge our own hurt, and be compassionate with ourselves. We can learn to hear our own communications, through the method of communication. It’s okay for us to be human and make mistakes. We all do. Parenting is more challenging than I ever could have dreamed. I am not going to be perfect. I am going to be the best I can be, and keep learning and growing.

Focusing thought: I am enough.

I am going to keep practicing that one right now. I am enough. I am enough.