Cottage as a verb
I was having shower thoughts this morning about how some of us here use "Cottage” as a verb. I am not personally in this habit but I understand it, and agree that it is somehow an action as well as a school, and a community. And I was thinking about how important our shared language is in the way we do the thing we do when we are Cottage-ing.
We just finished doing our annual Parent Teacher Training, where all the adults in our community who will be working with children in the Cottage environment, talk together and get on the same page about how we talk with the kids in our community. I heard some longtime members of our community use Cottage as a verb then, and a week or two later, I am thinking about what they mean when they say that. I think about words a lot.
Right now I am thinking about how unavoidable it felt to use the word “community” three times in that short paragraph. So I checked thesaurus.com, which I enjoy and use anytime I am writing, and there were two different ways to interpret the word, with related but significantly different meanings. One was to refer to society, or an area of people (association, neighborhood, district). The other was agreement or similarity (affinity, identity, kinship). I think we can agree that the specific Cottage community is obviously a kinship more than a district.
But I also have a more intimate kinship with a subset of our greater assemblage of parents and kids. Some of these are parents I got to know before I was a teacher here, when I was a nervous, shy parent among other parents who all seemed to know what they were doing a little better than I did, and some I have known primarily through my role as a teacher and leader at the school, but who have showed up for me in ways I never knew I could ask for or receive. We grew close through vulnerability, as you do.
Some of us started showing up on Saturday mornings for a Cottage alumni video call during the long lonely months of quarantine, and have kept coming back, and growing closer, and sharing ourselves more fully with each passing year. We have a text thread together, full of our cheers for each other, our worries for our kids, our assertions of our own full humanity, despite the crushing weight of the expectations of motherhood martyrdom that press in on us even in our enlightened enclave. And so these are the women I came to when I was thinking about the verb, “to Cottage”.
I said, “Good morning ☀️ can i check my thinking with you before I write?
When people use "cottage" as a verb, as in to cottage a situation or person, I think it means to hold space and listen without trying to fix or solve the problem. Is that your interpretation? Or what is?” I have quoted their responses here with permission:
Lara: “I think for me it also means to switch from reactive brain to curious brain. What's your plan? Even if I just ask it internally. And I think I AM usually trying to solve a problem, but just not going for the quick fix of me saying what the solution is, but being patient enough to get to the root and figure out what makes sense for everyone. Remembering that all behaviors are communication.”
Valerie: “What's your plan? 💯”
Jill: “One of the biggest thing Cottage gave me was scripts or models of what to do in activating situations that were kind of a place holder--they gave me a thing to do in that immediate moment that wasn't me melting down or snapping that left the space open for things to get clearer and settle out without me complicating it with a snap reaction. Almost like a substitute "no action" that felt like an action.”
Cori: “When I think of Cottage as a verb, I see it happening at the individual level, yes. I agree with the descriptions you and Lara offered. Holding space, staying curious, seeking to understand rather than fix. I think we often focus on how that translates into our individual interactions with the kids.
What I think sometimes gets less of the recognition it deserves is how we Cottage as a community. It's messy and TIME-CONSUMING to build things as a community. Sometimes we adults we are still kids in bigger bodies. We have more practice, but just because it's a messy process doesn't mean we're doing it wrong.
Being able to sit with discomfort without turning to unhealthy coping skills feels like a superpower.”
Lara: “Yes, since learning how to cottage is 100% about MY reactions and interpretations it is useful in any and every human interaction”
Natalia: “I love everything you all have written and fully agree.
For me it has definitely emphasized the idea that there is always a root to the behavior. And I can hold space for the behavior without reacting bc I know there is a puzzle there to just be with.
I think before Cottage, I always thought I had to do something when a behavior happened. When I Cottage, I can sit back, be curious, explore, without needing to fix anything, and know that the root will present itself or I will see it.
And yes, Cori, Cottage also means to me to be in community with like-minded parents. "Let's Cottage this situation!" to another parent means, to me, to also have the adults hold space for each other without judgement as we navigate and explore together.”
Sherry: “Cottage as a verb is taking a moment to pause, observe the situation, and proceed with compassion and love. For every action there's a reaction and you want that reaction to be filled with kindness and empathy. How can I help in this situation? What triggered this? Ooh, there's some big feelings going on right now, how can I help them navigate this? The Cottage way has helped me with my adult relationships in that I now acknowledge my friends' feelings better, listen without offering advice unless asked, and remind them that they are seeing, listened to and most importantly that they are loved.”
And I saw as I was reading that I had come to my safe adults with a question, and a plan (to write), and my people Cottaged the situation. Our inner Cottage voice is useful in a crisis, but it is equally useful to just be a person in the world, in relationship with other people, listening thoughtfully and being responsive.