Learning to Get Dressed
I began this week thinking about a conversation we had had at teacher debrief the previous week about kids learning how to dress themselves. It’s a self-care task that, like so many other skills that little kids are still acquiring, we adults generally take for granted. Adults tend to think the to-do list is like this:
Get dressed
When in fact, for people who are just learning how to get dressed, the to-do list is more like this (typical for a 4 year old):
Identify the need to change clothes
Remember where to find clothes
Walk to the location where this will take place
Pick out the clothes you want to wear
Figure out the order of events (“Do I just put this shirt over my head? Oh, I should probably take off this wet shirt first”)
Take off shoes (this usually takes coaching from an adult– kids typically go right for taking off pants and then get stuck when their feet can’t fit through the holes with shoes on)
Evaluate whether or not socks also need to come off
Pull down pants to knees
Make any needed adjustments to get pants from knees, to over feet, and off
Evaluate whether undies also need to come off
Repeat the steps of taking off pants for undies, as needed
Evaluate whether shirt needs to be changed
Pull arms through to center of shirt
Ask for help to get the shirt over your head (before or after getting stuck)
Change tasks, from getting undressed to getting dressed
Pick up dry shirt; make attempt at getting it onto your body; pause, reconfigure
Let a grownup help align the shirt upright and forward, pull it over one’s head
Stick arms through arm holes
Find undies; hold them steady while standing on one foot and trying to thread the other foot through the little holes/ sit down for stability and try again
Repeat undies process for pants or shorts
Assess the need for replacing shoes…
And I didn’t even put the steps of cleanup on there, because that’s a whole process unto itself with many more steps. It’s not simple. We have just automated it. But kids have to remember and perform all these steps in the right order for getting dressed to happen.
And so it takes a long time! Kids need a lot of practice to learn to do this for themselves, and they need both our help (to realign the shirt, to help get it over their adorable melon head) and our patience, as they try, and fail, and regroup, and try again. They will get it eventually, with a little patience.
And when they put their shoes on the opposite feet, or their pants on backward, we do not need to correct them most of the time (and certainly not for a Cottage day). We can let them evaluate their work for themselves, and it is okay for them to be satisfied with the result even if the pockets usually go on the back and not the front. Correction can be received as criticism, and it’s really hard to receive criticism for something you are just learning how to do and know you are not yet very good at doing.
Sometimes kids who definitely do have the skills to do some of these steps all by themselves either claim that they can’t, or insist, in the way that only a young child can insist, that YOU do it for them. This is extremely typical of children who are about 3-4 years old, who are feeling so much new independence and autonomy, and love to flex it, but at the same time often feel scared about growing up or getting bigger, and especially of the expectation that they will have to take care of themselves completely. Many children go through a period of hard resistance to any attempt to have them practice self-care skills. Often, that also shows up in play themes as the child pretending to be a baby.
It is fascinating to observe children pretending to be babies. They are often commanding. Their pretend cries are meant to be the most urgent matter, and they demand all of the pretend parent’s attention focused on meeting their needs and caring for them. Is this their memory of being an actual baby? Is it their perception of how adults treat real babies? Is it simply the power position in a pretend family game? In any case, a child playing “Baby” is a child working out questions and ideas about what it means to grow up, what it means to be little and to be cared for, how we get the care we need, and how we can ask for the care we need.
We all need care. Parents of young children need so much care, and it is really hard to actually receive it. But young children are, unlike many of us, still willing to insist on getting the care they need. When a young child is asking me for care, I want to be responsive. I want to hear their communication, even if it is being delivered in the form of whining or baby talk, or in the form of shouting “NO” and going boneless when I request that they get dressed. This too shall pass. When a child is already at the point where they are shouting at me, it is not a very effective time for manners lessons. They just need my help, so I give it. It’s grace lessons instead.
I observed myself this week providing care at a just-right level for some children who were changing out of wet and muddy clothes at Cottage. Here is what I did while they were working their way through the many steps of getting changed:
I sat close by, down low where I could reach them to help as needed
I provided scaffolding, which sounded like this:
“I see that your clothes are wet. Would you like to change into dry clothes?”, or in the case of a child asking to change, I just say, “Great! Let’s go”
“Okay so, which one is your cubby?” (and let the child find it, retrieve it, and open it, if they can)
(sit silently while the child takes whatever next steps they decide to take)
“Let’s take your shoes off, if you’re going to change your pants. Do you know how to do it?”
(more sitting silently while they do all the steps they can do by themselves)
“Ope! That silly shirt got stuck”, or something to depersonalize difficulties, as I help pull it over their head
(more sitting and waiting silently as they do the rest of the steps they can do. Often it is in the transition from taking off, to putting on, that they need to regroup and can use a little coaching to focus)
“Let’s see now, were you planning to wear the green shirt?” (evoking a plan they had previously made, such as picking out and unfolding that shirt before taking off clothes. Helps the whole thing still feel like their plan and their task– this is the executing part of executive function: make a plan and then do it)
If the child just hands me the shirt, I open it and put it over their head, and then pause for them to continue on their own. I can interpret that gesture as an ask for help and provide it, rather than continue to press for them to do it all themselves. I pause after each step to leave space for them to take over.
I also get to provide care to younger children at Cottage who cannot yet do many of these steps and don’t know the order of operations yet. In that case, I do a lot more talking through the steps, in as much detail as I can recognize, whether I am doing the action for them or narrating the steps they are doing themselves. But for children who know how, but are for whatever reason resisting, or insisting I do it, I can save my breath. More talking often ratchets up the tension– my tension of wanting this to be a job the child completes for themselves as I know they are perfectly capable of doing it; and the child’s tension because they need my care and they aren’t sure if I am going to provide it or get inexplicably angry about them needing me.
When a child is getting stuck on one particular step every time, it’s an opportunity to get curious. Perhaps a child persistently resists changing out of wet clothes, and instead they just feel increasingly cranky but can’t seem to identify why. Perhaps they only want to wear the clothes they have on for some reason, and getting them wet ruins their plan. Perhaps they have some association with touching soiled clothes as “dirty” and it’s in the way of them completing the task. There are as many reasons for resistance or avoidance as there are children, and those reasons can amount to skills not yet acquired, or they might point to a feeling that is hard for the child to explain.
It can be hard for adults to be patient and hear what is being communicated; it is often quite subtle, and we are so often in a hurry, with an important agenda and a timetable. During the “Tarry Time” of Cottage, we can take the opportunity to slow down and stay curious, remembering that it takes time to learn, but that freely chosen work is always the most compelling. Let your child learn self-care skills through internal motivation, and empower them to care for themselves.